Are They Worth It??
Some time back, a friend told me this - "Desi Gurlz are not worth proposing to". No matter how good a friend you are with her, she will say, "I always considered you my friend, a good friend. Maine tumhe wo nazaar se dekha hi nahi" A very hard-hitting statement made... but does it have an element of truth to it, I wondered.
Consider this scenario:
Two Indians in their prime, far away from their home meet. Frequencies match, you watch movies together and enjoy them, laugh at each others joke, share each others sorrows, try helping each other in their difficulties and the most expected thing occurs next. You fall in love. You think you are getting the signals from the other end as well. She is enjoying your company, you both look a perfect match, its time to go the distance. Or is it???
You pop the question... and there you get the answer. Yes, I liked your company, yes you have helped me, yes our frequencies match... BUT I ALWAYS CONSIDERED YOU MY GOOD FRIEND.
You built castles in the air and a gust of wind came and blew it all off. Shattered and back into reality and the reality is that you are good enough to be a GOOD FRIEND but not good enough to be something/someone more than that.
Had a similar scenario been considered between two friends of any other western country, chances are 90% of the time, the two would end up in a relationship. How long it lasts is a different question altogether and can have a topic of discussion on its own.
The story doesnt end there. What happens to the good friendship between you two?
I have seen cases where the friendship blossomed furthur. She finds someone else in life, you are happy for her, you find someone else, she helps you in your quest. You pray that everything works out well for her and she does the same for you. All is well that ends well!!!
I have also seen cases where all hell breaks loose. She says, how can you even think like that? I considered you my friend and this is what you gave me. I dont want to talk to you anymore. Thats the end of that... no more interaction. You might bump into her in that class/at a friends party/mall...and awkard "hi, how are things going on?" and thats it... and you thought you were good friends.
You wouldnt have asked her had you not got signals from her and the green that you saw, turned amber when you decided to ask and before you knew it was RED
As you know, it's a matter of seconds that decides whether you broke a light or just scraped through. Its the same thin line that differentiates in this case as well and that line is subjective. A cm here and there, and a +ve for you might actually have been a neutral on a -ve in the worst case.
Dreading the worst that can happen, is it worth popping that question?
They say, you can't acheive anything in life, unless you take some risks. Risks are something where you have chances of success. What are the odds in this case?
Having PLAYED SAFE all my life, I don't think I'll ever be taking that risk. I guess it's easy to live as a "Good Friend" rather than no one, then again... you never know!!
Falling in love is hard on the knees... try it out on an Indian and you might not walk again.
So, before you pop the question to her...pop this question to yourself: Are they really worth it???
(Disclaimer: This article does not contain any of my own experiences. It is something that I have observed around me)
posted by Ess @ 11/08/2005 06:25:00 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
Beg to differ...as said - No gain without pain. If the person is worth it, then it is always better to take the plunge, even if the chances are remote. You might lose a friend, but you will know if it could or couldnt have worked out, rather than wonder all your life of what might have happened.
As we were discussing over the weekend, you dont gain anything unless you take a risk. The bigger the risk, the greater the reward...and as in here, the joy of success far outweighs the disappointment of rejection. Moreover, if it is true love, then the rejection will also be just a temporary phase, something that works out eventually, and leaves both parties stronger with the experience.
Nice blog sumedth..I guess it is the most common phenomenon. Especially for Indians because ...I think... Being in a relationship is much more complicated for us than western people. We usually don’t get into a relationship unless we really don’t see that person as our life partner. This differentiation is extremely crucial and how every girl/boy makes this differentiation is totally up to them. Thank God we, desis still have the power to make this differentiation, or even we would be in a relationship (probably sleeping around) with every person whom we like to spend our time with, we laugh with, or cry with.
I think this issue is extremely interesting in terms of psychological response given by every person in such situation …that exact decision …final cut to decide if a person is a just a friend or “more” than a friend…we should write/discuss more about this thought process...
Pravs...How do you define a true love?? Unless both the people experience same feeling for each other...there is no love in the first place... how is rejection a temporary phase in such case?
Must say, it is indeed a thought provoking topic...
"Are they worth it?"....I doubt if a girl would use such a title for a similar blog...The question is not whether the desi girls or desi guys are worth it...The mere fact that YOU fell in love with her/him is enough evidence by itself that they are worth it!
Somehow my views happen to vary from your views, Sumedh...Its better to propose, hear a no, feel dejected, strive to live a few painful days, months, years without her, rather than wait for the right opportunity or a green signal from her or not propose her at all and let her go...The day may never come and you would have to repent the rest of your life thinking what if I had proposed her then...Agreed, the initial depression period is torcherous, especially when you find no one, absolutely no one around you, who can lend you a listening ear...But, then we should always remember, nothing is impossible; it may be difficult but not at all impossible...May be she is waiting for you to take the first step...May be she is telling you, "no, I always saw you just as a friend", but the truth could be hidden...She may be under a certain pressure, due to which she may not be able to commit at the moment..She cannot give you false hope either in that case...May be the guy should try and understand her...It is rightly said, understanding a woman is the toughest thing, but still guys can give it a try...Try and try until you succeed!...And if it still does not work, move on with your life...If it had to happen, if it was destined to happen, it would have happened...And if it still has to happen, no one can stop it from happening...Then why, adopt a sadistic, pessimistic approach of refraining from proposing someone you really love? Why? Be strong...Just try to forget it...And be thankful that someone did come into your life...The girl should in fact be the happiest person to know that she was loved by someone...She may not tell this to anyone, but deep in her heart, she would be thankful to God to have someone love her...whether it worked or not worked is not the question!
Also, what about girls who propose Indian guys and hear a no? Did you think about that? Girls are always considered to be more emotional than guys, but I feel, most girls realise that there is no point crying over spilt milk...They rather stand up carefully the next time it comes to a boil! Needless, to say, guys are also in the same boat...As emotional, may be more, as the girls, but they are "considered" to be stronger!
Didn't mean to contradict your views, but just wanted to put forward my view...I would say Don't stop...Learn from your experiences, but don't let them curb your blooming love for someone who is innocent...Please do not generalise from one bitter experience.
Nice topic Sumedh .. Theory main bahut socha hai but no practical experience so I'll stick with my theory ;) ... asking a girl out requires figuring out whether you actually love her or not .. How do you define love ..well my theory is ... When you love someone for her good qualities (looks, attitute, nature, etc) .. you not necessarily love her .. you like her .. but when you like a person for her weird habits, the stupid things which she does, then you know you actually love a person .. it sometimes so happens that when you are infatuated by someone even a simple friendly gesture shown by that person looks like a hint for a relationship .. had this sigh been given by a "friend" then we just brush it off but when the special person displays the same signs we take it as a hint .. to propose or not to propose totally depends on figuring out weather you actually love a person .. if you are sure you do, then you'll have much more confidence in asking her out and then you wouldnt care if the answer is a yes or no.
Vivek
Dejection is no reason to run away from things. Everything is worth giving a shot...and its not always that things will go ur way. But atleast u'll never regret that u dint try. U dont loose anything by trying...atleast after u love her/him knowing all the bad,stupid,etc. qualities in her/him. And u wud be the happiest if u tried & u succeeded... it was more than worth the shot, I'm sure!
Unlike the western culture, most of us Indians, when we ask someone out, we think about the fututre. Start imagining the other person and try fitting him/her in the bracket of our spouse. Its the culture which is engarved in us which makes us behave in this particular manner. However, its not true for all.
She/He may land up saying "We r good friends". But if someday she/he finds it going somewhere... he/she shudn't be scared to come fwd & accept. Its better late than never.
(p.s Sumedh mujhe lagta hai tujhe pyaar ho gaya hai ;) Yeh AK toh nahi? ;))
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sumedh...90% of times western people agree coz their wants and needs and outlook towards life is a lot different than us indians..Out of those 90% at least 75% end up in a happy divorce few years down the line. But in case of desis this is a very well thought decision with a lot of factors considered and not just compatibility as they say!and if the girl says she considered you a good friend then believe it..coz thats not what she will say to everyone who proposes to her...and then its upto the person to let this good friendship continue or stop it at that saying...well i expected this friendship to go a step ahead and if it does not..then thats where it ends!
i wld definitely say its worth it..coz if you two surely love each other and after proposing you do hear the magic words then it will be a happily ever after...and remember..NO GUTS..NO GAIN!
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